My feelings...

I feel like crap. Well I have been feeling like crap for the past four months. If I had to think about it, I had been feeling like crap since my childhood. But face it, I for one don’t think at all when it comes down to it. However, things became worse ever since a year ago, and they just keep on getting worse.

So what’s the problem, Kelvin? Oh, I’ll make a checklist of what’s wrong.

- I’m not permanently home (though I am for now)
- I live with other “young adults” having mental capacities of a 13 year old (or the “hood life”, but I get along with one who seems more mature.)
- I withdrew Rutgers, twice.
- My brother died a year ago
- I can’t get along with my parents
- All I do is spend on the computer and on video games, and I’m considered OCD
- I recently spent 4 months in the hospital as inpatient

I can add more, but I’ll add what happen today.

Today’s afternoon went on pretty swell. I did wake up late, but I managed to get up before my parents’ friends came by. After they acquainted themselves together in the house, I was alone with my dog at my house. Before that, though, there was an issue with my PSP being broken, due to my clumsy hands fixing the screen. My parents offered to use my brother’s PSP. I insisted no because I wanted to keep it as memory, but since I felt that it would just catch dust without use, I humbly accepted it and took care of it. I left it charging for five hours.

3:30 PM - I called my close friend to see if she was there. I went to her house after she said yes that I could go to her house on the phone. She did like the small Napoleon I gave her for her belated birthday, but she told me she wasn’t a cake person. We had our small talk of how’s life and what’s going on.

This is what bothered me; she’s in a relationship. It hit me all the sudden, but not visible, though she probably saw it with the conversation we had. I mean, we have been friends since middle school, but she’s now in a relationship. She did say that she felt uncomfortable with the status of “relationship,” stating that doesn’t have the obligation to give the “girl’s role of giving compliments and loving words” to a guy. Maybe I have a chance, but probably not…

I went back home, after seeing her leave for church, and seeing some of the teachers see me once again after my absence from church. As I was playing my brother’s PSP, my heart felt heavy. I know it was my brother’s PSP that made it heavy, but the pain came again when I was eating with my parents’ friends. That was when I felt something was wrong.

For all the time I have known, I have always spent my time on the computer. I would waste my time away looking at the computer playing games or browsing Internet forums, calling the users “friends.” I was an outcast when I was a child because I was always picked on. Being picked on wasn’t easy – in fact, as I thought about it, it affected me greatly. I tried learning to toughen up and try to make fun of people, but that backfired even more. As a result, I got kicked out of a prestigious high school, sent to a hospital (and the same one for 5 times later), and sent to a group home (first being 2006, presently in one now).

I always thought that I could run away from my problems, but now I can’t. I always wondered how my brother felt, and I guess this is how he felt when he was always playing video games at night when he was living with us before. I really feel my heart is becoming heavier and heavier as days go on and on, and I don’t know how long this pain can go. Sometimes I cry, sometimes I can’t even sleep. I always hold my problems inside, but the problems inside has caused a hole inside me I can’t cover up. I dream of someone to shoot me in the head, but in the end, I wake up alive to deal with the same issues over again.

I don’t want to make anyone cry. I want to make people happy. I know if I died now, it would affect people around me greatly to the point they would fall into a deep depression. I have to be strong for my mother, who always took care of me, who got me away from my abusive biological father. I also want to be strong for my stepfather, who always gave me real-life advice, provided me anything if possible, and loved me more than a stepfather, but as a real father. And even though I started to get along with my brother in the end before his untimely death, I have to be stronger than he was to know that I could do this.

That’s why I want to be strong. I want to be strong so I can live another day not faking a smile to people while I’m crying on the inside. I want to be someone that people can cry on my shoulder and I can comfort them. I want people to talk to me about their problems so they don’t hold it in like I do. I want to be a somebody- not a nobody- something I want to achieve one day.